My most recent MRI and Pet Scan results, in October, were split.
Since finishing radiation in July, I've lived with a slight fear rooted deep
inside that it would come back to my brain. I'm more than thrilled to announce
that the MRI of my brain showed that everything is clear! It is a giant relief
only slightly clouded by the fact that my PET scan results were not as
gratifying. Unfortunately, there are signs of increased activity in the areas
that the cancer already resides and additionally, there are three spots on my
liver. It wasn't quite the homerun that I was hoping for, but it is also
nothing to get in a frenzy about. Spots have appeared and disappeared from my
liver before and I'm confident that the change in medicine will bring about a
positive change and better results in 3 (now 2, I know... I'm late...) months.
In fact, I am already able to sense a difference in my body and I'm feeling
more like myself again. I missed myself. I didn't realize how hard my brain
surgery, radiation, and other events had hit me physically...and emotionally. I got caught up
in big frightening medical words and I tripped. But, I'm here now and I've
gotten back up and dusted myself off. Although, it gave me a lot of time of
reflection of just how precious life is, for us all.... The delicate balance makes me think a lot about being a mom. I can't even remember what my life was like without Avery in it and if I only had today to tell her as much, this is probably what I would say...
Dear Avery,
I'm stuck. I'm stuck between wanting time to slow down and wanting
it to speed up. I want to live in the present and not wish away precious
moments of your childhood. But... I am also terrified that I won't get enough
days with you as you grow up. That is what I am most afraid of, my sweet girl.
It's an unfortunate gift that cancer has given me, to consciously live in the
moment and never take a day with you for granted. You have the most beautiful
way of loving life and having it love you right back. I hope you always have
that zeal about you, with your blonde curls shaking furiously back and forth as
you confidently assert your opinions. And when those opinions are not of the
majority, your attitude takes charge. Your attitude translates into a strong
will and I have no doubt that it will help you leap effortlessly over any
obstacles you face in your life. Be sure to use your strength to help other
people, when you can, and to hold unwavering to what you believe in. That being
said, your strongest belief must always be in God. But you must also, always believe in yourself. You can do, achieve, or
be anything that you want in life as long as you always believe in
yourself.
Your big inquisitive blue eyes and soft still-baby skin are only a
sliver of what make you beautiful. You have to match that beauty with a loving
and giving heart. You must always say please and thank you, there are no
circumstances where using your manners or showing gratitude will be out of
style. Always be patient and kind, with a heart for helping others. If someone
falls down, be there to help them up; and, be assured that if you fall down, I am going to be there to
help you up.
Life is certainly not easy and there will be heartache. I wish
that you won't ever have to know what that feels like, but it will rear it's ugly
head throughout the seasons of life. Just always remember that we don't count
our challenges or struggles, instead, we focus on our blessings. It took me 28
years to understand exactly what that meant, but then I met you and now I know.
I know how to find the positive in every day and I know the sun shines brighter
on my side of life because you're here. I know. You are special and I was meant
to live this life with you. I wouldn't change anything about the way things
have unfolded because the love I have for you is so much bigger than cancer and so
much bigger than a lost love.
I know how lucky I am to have been chosen as your mom. I know that
you are like me, in a lot of ways, and I am humbled to be worthy of being that
example for you. Though, I am most excited to watch you become exactly who you
are meant to be. I know that life isn't promised and each day is precious. I
promise to live in the present moment with you, to envelope all the giggles and
catch all the tears. And, every time that I kiss you goodnight, I will continue
to thank God for you and I will pray for the mommys and daddys that don't get
to do the same thing.
I love you today, tomorrow, and always.Oh, and 65,000 kisses
worth, my Avery J. ;)
Love,
Mommy
