A Cancerversary. It's a real thing, you can Google it. It can mean different things to different people; but, to me, it means survival. January 31st was my first Cancerversary. That is 365 days of me surviving Breast Cancer. It is also 365 days of me constantly thinking of the Scarlet Letter C, with which I have been branded and wondering if I somehow caused my body to turn against me, or if I could have done anything differently in order to prevent it. Was it birth control? Was it the 3 month phase in my life when I had a soy latte addiction about 6 years ago? According to my doctors, its just bad luck. So, I don't really have an answer and that has left me with a year of being imprisoned in my own mind with wonder and worry. I worry about Avery mostly. I worry about her future and my place in it. But, gradually, as the days have passed, I have begun to release myself from this mental torture. I have accepted that they are things that I cannot change, and instead of letting these negative thoughts consume me, I choose to be positive. That doesn't mean that everyday is easy. Aside from the mental ailments, there are obviously physical ones as well. The hot flashes are actually worse that I anticipated them to be. Little did I know that my joke about my makeup dripping off my face into a puddle, wouldn't be far from the truth. In the beginning, I would have at least 6 hot flashes per hour. Yes, PER HOUR. I'm no math whiz, but that's nearly 150 in a day. And trust me, hot flashes are not a ray of sunshine warming you in the cold winter months. Instead, they are like an explosion of intense heat that comes from deep inside and I can't tear my coat, scarf, sweater *insert whatever outer garment or accessory applies* off fast enough before my face turns bright red and I begin to sweat. They only last for a couple minutes, but afterward, my poor confused body temperature plummets and I'm left on the opposite end of the spectrum, shivering. I'm more than happy to say that the frequency of my hot flashes has improved greatly in the passing months and I now experience only about ten in a day's time and am now smart enough dress in multiple layers that I can expertly rip off faster than any veteran stripper. If only someone tossed me a dollar every time I had a hot flash... man, I would be rich. Oh, the important lessons that I'm learning in the third decade of my life... That includes appreciating my new breasts. I truly couldn't be happier with the results however I do not have any feeling in or around my chest and armpit area and that drives me crazy. It feels similar to when you initially try to stand up after your foot has fallen asleep. You know you're standing but it feels awkward. If I touch the area, I can feel the pressure but that's it and it never fades or goes away. The lack of feeling is a weird sensation and for that reason, I am unable to ever wear an under wire bra again, because it the under wire were to poke me, I wouldn't know if it were poking me. But really, no under wire bra? No girl ever complained about that! ...Because check out my rack... no seriously! I got some great melons during my visit to the produce stand and I don't have to wear a bra ever again, if I don't want to. That right there? That's the silver lining. There are certainly some tough realities about my cancer, and at times, it has taken it's toll on me mentally. There are some days that I have to try extra hard to find that silver lining or that I have to take a second glance at my cup to realize it is half full and not half empty. But, I'm celebrating my first cancerversary as a year that made me stronger and I'm looking forward to the challenges and Blessings of the next 365 days because I know greater things are in the works for me... Except hot flashes...there is nothing great about those... Nope. Nuh-uh. No way.
