Miraval

As I have mentioned before, I was feeling a little deflated by the end of this last summer. Recovery from brain surgery and radiation, as well as dealing with the reality of the cancer having spread and dramatic happenings in my divorce were weighing heavily on my mind. I didn't feel like myself, instead I felt sad and scared. My fear always compounds itself because on top of the original fear, I become afraid of being afraid. That doesn't even make sense, but it happens. I have always felt like the stress of being upset would manifest physically in my body and create more cancerous chaos. I mean that's how we got to this point, isn't it? Well, maybe, maybe not. I don't blame it all on stress but I do believe it plays a part. I believe in a mind-body connection and I knew that mine was out of balance and I needed to reconnect with myself, so I decided that I wanted to go on a retreat.

I wasn't exactly sure what type of retreat I was looking for or if these resources even existed, so I did a Google search. Time and time again, I would be brought back to the same expired websites or dead ends with outdated information. Nobody wanted to host my version of a sabbatical and truth be told, I wasn't looking to be dumped in the woods to hike my way home or to go white water rafting with my cancer sisters who would become my "breast friends." No, in fact, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to collect my thoughts and piece myself back together so I could revitalize and recharge my positivity and fighting spirit.

Aside from being alone, I knew I wanted to be somewhere quiet where I could practice meditating and write, or read, or sleep, or just do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to do it. I wanted massage therapy and stretching or yoga for my aching bones and I just wanted to breathe different air. This was a tall order and it was virtually non existent. I was resigned to the fact that it wasn't going to happen when a real life game of telephone got started among people close to me and this person told this person who told this person, that I didn't seem like myself lately. It was true, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable. Well, you've met my friend Angie, in my previous blog. The operator of the telephone game got to her before it made it's way back to me and she exhausted her extensive lists of contacts trying to help me, but ended up not having any luck either. However, in her typical "never say die" fashion (Oooh, is that only funny to me? Sorry, sorry), she pulled out all the stops and she planned and paid for my dream retreat, right down to taking me to the airport at five o'clock in the morning. Do you have an Angie? If you don't, put down this blog right now and get one immediately. Even if its a miniature pocket-sized version, carry her everywhere and never take her for granted.

So, mid-fall, I boarded a plane alone and I headed out to Miraval Spa in Arizona.  As soon as I stepped into the Arizona air, I felt my shoulders relax a little. The hour shuttle ride was narrated with stories about Oprah's last visit, how obnoxious the Kardashians were during their visit, and that Gwyneth Paltrow is sweeter than she appears. I couldn't believe that I was going to spend the next three days in such a cool place. I was so excited that I could have swung from the ceiling! Oh wait, I did swing from the ceiling when I was enveloped in a silk fabric, (similar to those used by Cirque Du Soleil artists) and did aerial meditation with a lavender pillow over my eyes while listening to a woman play music using glass bowls. That was real life and it was my favorite experience and the most relaxing thing I have ever done. I enjoyed it so much that I've even considered replacing all the chairs in my parents' house with suspended silk swings... The wheels are turning, people.

Despite being a spa, I chose Miraval because they offered a lot of energy healing that I was looking for. I would wake up early and watch the sunrise over the Arizona mountains while I was in stretching class, I walked the meticulous grid work of a stone labyrinth carefully placing my rocks of intention among so many others. I also napped in the warm sunshine by the pool, I started and finished a 400 page book, did different types of energy cleansing and healing and got a couple awesome massages. My only mistake was signing up for a hour stone massage. That sounds really cozy and relaxing, doesn't it?? I thought so too, until I realized that every hot stone that touched me would cause huge flares in my hot flashes and crank up my body temperature by a zillion degrees.

Even though time flew by too quickly, I was able to look in the mirror on my last day and see a face that I recognized again. The dark purple circles under my eyes had lightened and the knot in my stomach, that once could challenge any boy scout, had finally untangled itself. I had found exactly what I had been looking for in that three days, I had found me again. Instead of just ducking and dodging the blows, I simply shed the heaviness of the negativity and left it to die in the desert. I'm back in a good place and ready to fight harder than ever, just in time for my second Cancerversary.

Mirival

Photo Cred: Kristin Lenda

 

White Girl Living In An Italian World

I was the white girl and they were the Italian family; but somehow, maybe over espressos, vino, and giant plates of pasta swirled with Nonna's special sauce, I was voted in. My official title was the nanny and while I thought it would be a temporary job, I ended up working for the Palazzolos for five years. When I started, Isabella was beginning full-day Kindergarten and Gianna had just turned one and was learning to walk, still unsteady on her feet. Now, high school is on the horizon and they're constantly enthralled with their virtual worlds of Snapchat and FaceTiming with friends. My rank of importance might have dropped a bit, but the bond grew deeper. They will always be my girls and Tony and Angie are two of the most wonderful people I have ever known. It has evolved from me watching their babies, to them watching my daughter sometimes. We have become family and not in a creepy, My 5 Wives, kind of way. Tony is like the older brother that I never had. He was always a great person to work for, he looks out for me, and he gives great advice and I have a lot of respect for him. He likes to wave at imaginary people to trick you into looking, which he thinks is hilarious, and he also teases me about being a white girl from the sticks. I may have to consciously make an effort to not let my eyes roll out of my head when these two jokes repeat themselves, every day, but I try to do it when he isn't looking so as not to bruise his Italian cannoli-style ego (hard exterior, big softy on the inside).  He is Avery's Zio Tony and he is infamous for sneaking her chocolate, letting her binge-watch Mickey Mouse, and helping her perfect her Australian accent.

To say that Angie has become one of my best friends would be an understatement. It probably helps because she thinks I'm wicked smart. I'm not, but I throw out a big vocabulary word here and there to keep up appearances. In reality, I learn a lot more from her, especially when it comes to being a good friend. When, my husband decided he wanted to end our marriage and I couldn't bear to be in my empty house, she sat on her couch with me while I cried. When I lost my job, she told me it would be ok and they could help me. When Avery was born, she was one of the first people at the hospital with a cake that she had planned to serve at the surprise baby shower she was supposed to be hosting for me that night. She threw me a beautiful party for my 30th birthday. And when I was diagnosed with cancer, there she was...standing outside her car, waiting for me as I returned from the doctor. She doesn't ask for anything in return because she is just always giving of herself. She will tell you that its because I cared for and loved her daughters; but, that was the easy part. Living up to her and Tony's generosity will be something I can never pay back but will always pay forward.


This was Angie's perspective:

I was waiting for Ashley to text me to tell me her biopsy showed it was nothing! I mean I knew it could not be cancer because she's 29! You can't have breast cancer at 29! Then BAM, her text said it was stage 4 and it was even in her bones! I don't recall the exact time when we knew that! But I couldn't understand how that could be! I immediately got in my car to meet her at her house! I got there at the same time her and her mom did and ash was not freaking out and immediately knew I couldn't either! Even though deep down I was thinking the worst in my head! I looked at her and felt her confidence and strength and I instantly felt that this will all be good! She is going to be fine! Because she felt she would be fine!! While getting other opinions she always maintained that positive attitude and made sure to keep us all informed of every step! And, whether a text or a call she would always say that she is going to beat this! So I would believe nothing else! I won't lie, there have been times along the way that I have been scared because the thought of losing someone that is not only one of best friends but has become my family is devastating! But, ash doesn't allow for any negativity or fear and this journey has enforced that for me as well! She is truly a fighter and will be a miracle!!